


Stop and Grow

by AmandaPandapple



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Destiel - Freeform, Happy Ending, M/M, Self Acceptance, Self Harm, self hate, wing!cas
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-12
Updated: 2017-01-12
Packaged: 2018-09-16 23:59:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,065
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9295385
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AmandaPandapple/pseuds/AmandaPandapple
Summary: Dean finds that Castiel has been hiding the fact he has wings, and helps him to love and accept himself.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by [this photo](http://67.media.tumblr.com/a3513af567a47fe988e0459d2cb56fb9/tumblr_mztfv7P0rj1sn2a4uo1_1280.jpg)

Ever since they were young, Dean's always remembered Cas kept himself distant. They were best friends, but there was always a rift between them that Cas denied whenever brought up.

It always worried Dean, but he learned to accept it eventually. Until, they started living together.

It was difficult to talk Cas into it, but they finally found a place together with Sam, and it was going great for a while. Everyone either had school or their jobs to focus on. They took time to have a movie night together and just hang out.

Only, now that they lived in close proximities, Dean took notice to how much Cas stays in his room, or in the bathroom. He takes very long showers, and he always looks in pain or exhausted, but then again, Cas has always looked like that. 

Dean's worry quickly spiked, and he tried to talk to Cas about it, but he kept saying he was fine. "Everything was fine." "Work was exhausting today." "I got a lot of homework." "I'm just tired."

It was all the same, and Dean tried to be respectful. If Cas didn't want to talk about it, he wouldn't push. He would only try to be there for him, and continue to do nice things for his best friend.

Dean never talked about it to Sam, but Sam noticed his "out of the way kind acts" for Cas. Dean thought he was just doing what regular friends do, but Sam seemed to think there was more going on. 

Dean worried like a regular friend. That's all. Sam's teasing was nothing but counterintuitive.

\---

Through the months of living together, Dean noticed somethings that he doesn't think Cas intended him to see. He was confused at first because, why did they need so many large bandages and antibiotic ointment? It seemed excessive, like they were going to open their own clinic.

The only reason he believes Cas didn't want him to see it is because he never found those bandages in the first aid kit, or in the bathrooms at all. Maybe Cas liked to have a good amount just in case.

You can never be too safe, right?

\---

The next thing that made Dean worry more was the spot of blood he noticed on the back of Cas's shirt. He was cooking dinner when Dean noticed it.

"Hey, Cas. What's with the blood?" Dean went to poke Cas's bloodstained shirt, but Castiel flinched away from him.

Cas awkwardly chuckled, "I knew I scratched against something today." Cas began shuffling away, trying to hide his back, "Thank you." And rounded the corner to his room.

Maybe those bandages and ointments might come in handy. 

\---

The bandages kept Dean on his toes, because he couldn't accept that Cas just wanted to be ready for some at home freak accident.

The final straw was actually a complete accident, and the sight of it broke Dean's heart in so many pieces, he's not sure it'll ever be put together again.

Castiel was standing with his back facing the mirror and a large metal sander in hand. There was so much blood, and Cas was red in the face crying. Dean looked around to see white feathers all on the floor and so much blood.

The silence between them was palpable. Dean could almost choke in it.

Cas was the one to do something, shoving Dean out of the bathroom, and closing and locking the door. Dean snapped back to himself rather quickly.

He banged on the bathroom door, "Cas? Cas, let me in!" He banged some more and tried the knob. "Cas, please let me in. Let me help. Please, Cas. Please stop what you're doing and let me in."

Cas didn't answer. Dean could only hear his sobbing.

"Cas! Please! Let me in!" Dean yelled louder, "Please stop hurting yourself." He still received no answer.

Dean's chest felt so heavy, and his breathing felt hollow. Cas was bleeding so much. "Cas, I will break this door down. Let me in!" He wasn't angry. He could never be angry at Cas. He just wanted him to stop. 

Dean heard the doorknob click after a while of silence. Dean opened the door seeing Cas's head hanging low, and the long metal file still in hand.

Dean stepped closer to him, carefully taking the file away. He had another hand on Cas's upper arm, holding him steady.

They were both quiet for a long moment. He couldn't understand what Cas was doing. All he saw was blood covering Castiel's back. He looked to the floor again, seeing the white feathers.

Dean was so confused. He placed another hand on Cas's other upper arm, and Cas flinched, "Oh, Cas. What happened?"

Castiel began crying again. Dean forced Cas to lean forward on his body, which Cas went willingly. Dean couldn't wrap his arms around his upper back, so he wrap one arm down on his waist, and the other hand cradling the back of his head.

"Talk to me." He said lightly in the small space. Castiel calmed his crying, but didn't pull away.

"I have wings." Cas simple said, which didn't make too much sense.

"You never told me you were an Angel." Dean shook his head, "Your parents-"

"I'm adopted." Another simple answer.

"We grew up together." Dean tried to think back to any moment he actually saw Cas without a shirt, and he can't come up with one memory.

Cas sighed, "They made me wear a binder to hide them." He was leaning into Dean with his full body weight now. Dean could tell he was exhausted.

"But-" Dean still didn't get it, "You don't have any- How-"

"When I hit puberty, the wings continue growing to their final stage of adulthood. My parents took me get them amputated, but wings only grow right back." He pressed his face into Dean's shoulder, "They'll never go away."

Dean blinked, "They did this to you growing up?" He was in a state of shell shock. All he knew to do was hold Cas. Hold him and protect him.

"No. I had regular doctor appointments, but I can't afford them now, so I- I do it myself." Cas seemed to pull away, but Dean didn't let go. He held tighter, and Cas didn't fight it.

"Please don't do this. Please." Dean begged, "We love you so much." Cas's body shook with more crying.

"Why do you keep doing it?" Dean asked into his hair, "You're with us now. You can be yourself. You don't-"

"I do!" Castiel jerked, and though Dean had a tight hold on him, he didn't expect Cas to react so strongly. "I do have to! I can't be an Angel. That's not me! I'm human!"

He looked so angry and set in this denial. Dean could even see desperation in Castiel's outburst. He really hated his wings. 

"It's okay if you're an Angel. We don't see you any different. Me and Sam still love you." Dean tried to assure him, because even though Angels were dangerous creatures, Cas wasn't that.

"I'm not a monster, Dean. I'm not!" Castiel folded himself forward, sobbing. Dean tried to pick him back up, but Cas continued to fall to the floor. Dean sat on the floor with him, never minding the blood soaking into his jeans.

Dean tried to hold him again, but Cas pushed away from him, making Dean accidentally hit one of wounds on Castiel's back. Cas cried out from the pain.

"I'm so sorry. Cas, please. You are not a monster. Not all Angels are bad. We know this. You're one of the good ones." Dean wasn't going to give up on Cas. He loved Cas way too much to just leave him like this or ever.

"How do you know that? How do you know I won't kill you in your sleep? How do you know I won't just kill Sam?" Cas now looked at him with full anger. Eyes red rimmed and tears still falling.

Dean tightened his lips and set angry eyes right back at Cas, "Because I've known you since we were 6. You're Castiel Novak. You loves bees and antique shops. You hate your eggs scrambled, and can't stand when I tickle you. Your shoes are organized by color, and despite Sam being my brother, you're the first person in my phone to call in case of emergencies."

Castiel's face softened from its anger, and slipped into shock.

"You're my best friend, Cas. I would never think any less of you. Especially over a pair of wings. Human, Angel, it doesn't matter. I still love you." Dean admitted, and didn't care how Cas took the last part. Cas was way more important than some stupid feelings he hasn't really dealt with yet.

Cas looked back down to the floor. He stayed that way for a while. Dean's eyes never left Cas. He didn't want to miss even a chance of Cas might giving up with this battle he was waging inside him. 

He saw Cas close his eyes, "Help me." Dean didn't hesitate. He stood, and picked Cas up to stand.

"Let's get you cleaned up. You want me to help, or leave?" Because privacy is still a thing here. He wouldn't mind staying to help. He'd even still give Cas privacy. This wasn't sexual, and he didn't see it that way at all.

"I don't know. I can wash myself if it'll make you uncomfortable." Cas tried to step in the tub. He was too weak to do this himself.

"I'm not uncomfortable. It's about you, Cas. I'm here to take care of you." Dean assured him.

Dean ran the water till it was warm, while Cas took his shorts and boxers off. Dean relayed that a bath would be easier on him, but a shower would be faster.

Castiel agreed on the shower, and leaned against the wall to support him as Dean ran the water over his back while he carefully rubbed at the blood with a washcloth. It hurt Cas the closer he got to the wounds, but Cas bared through it. He had to get the blood off.

After the shower, Dean helped him to his room. Dean would clean the bathroom after bandaging and clothing Cas.

Now he understood what the bandages were for. He tried to hurry with the ointment and bandages, because Cas was getting cold.

"Why don't you get dressed and take a nap, while I clean up the bathroom?" Dean suggested, and Cas looked over at his folded clothes next to him, and then the bed. He nodded softly to this and grabbed his shirt.

"You need anything? Water? Some aspirin? Maybe something to eat when you wake up?" Dean offered, and Cas made no move to answer.

Dean shook his head, "It's alright. I'll bring the first two. Just get dressed." Dean ran a hand through Castiel's hair, and he could feel Cas melt into the touch. Dean hurried out of the room, not really liking how he loved Cas reacted to being touched. He needed to block his feelings out. There was literally no time for them, and he hated having them. Especially when they pop up in the worst of times.

This is about Cas. Not him.

\---

So, getting Cas to accept his wings was rather difficult. Dean never thought it would happen over night, but he had to watch Cas a lot. Dean made sure to thoroughly dispose of all the tools Castiel used to keep his wings "clipped".

A terrible choice of words, he knows, but what else do you call it that it's too horrifying?

Dean cleaned and rebandaged his back every night and morning to keep them clean. Castiel assured him it was unnecessary, since his tools were always kept clean, but Dean did it for two reasons.

1\. He wanted to make sure for himself Cas was infection free and safe.  
2\. Dean was checking to see if Cas made anymore damage.

Which Dean was proud to say Cas did not. Cas kept to his word to not harm himself, but Dean still worried nonetheless.

\---

Dean awoke to someone quietly calling his name, and poking his shoulder. He groaned, but then realizing it was Cas. "What's goin' on, Cas?"

"I can feel them. I can't lay on my back. I can't sleep." Dean could hear the panic in his voice. Dean was fully awake now, and sitting up.

Cas was wearing his pjs, which was sweat pants and a t-shirt. Dean pulled his sheets away, "Come here." Castiel climbed into bed with Dean.

"I don't know if I can do this." He admitted. Dean felt like this was a good thing. At least Cas was talking to him about this, and not going behind his back to harm himself.

Dean wrapped an arm around the top of his shoulders, making sure not to touch the bandages. By this time, Dean didn't have to change them so much. They were down to once a day, so Dean saw them just a few hours ago. They weren't 100%, but they were looking good.

"You gotta remember who you are, Cas. Your fear is that all Angels are creatures out to kill anything in sight," They've had many talks like this, and Dean remained patient through every one, "But you know for a fact not every Angel is like that. We've met plenty that are good people. You yourself are a good person."

Castiel sighed, shuffling himself down and into Dean's chest, "Why do you always have something to say?"

"Because it's true, Cas," Dean chuckled, "I wouldn't be friends with an asshat." Dean kissed the top of Cas's head, and instantly regrets it. It's like some kind of instinct unlocked in Dean, or he's more aware of his actions.

It's always a touch to his arm or head. Sometimes it a kiss on the head, or a rub on safe back areas. Sometimes it's long looks and light smiles. Cas never seemed to pull away to any of them.

"You ready to go to sleep now, or are we gonna watch a movie?" Dean asked, because majority of the time they watch a movie if Cas can't sleep, but sometimes, Cas just goes back to bed.

Cas sat back up to look at Dean, "Can I stay with you tonight?" Dean was a little flustered by this request, and he guessed the hesitation Cas noticed was negative, "Please?"

Dean nodded, "Of course, Cas." Cas pulled away, as did Dean to shuffle down on the bed to lay down. They faced each other. The situation was awkward for Dean, but only because of his feelings he still has yet to get a grip on.

"Dean?" It was dark, so Dean couldn't make out Castiel's face at all. All he saw was a silhouette, "Is it too much to ask for you to hold me? I'd understand if it's weird."

"No, Cas." Dean quickly said, but his answer seemed to give the wrong impression, "I mean, yes, I'll hold you. It's not weird." It's really not. Castiel turned around, his back facing Dean, and shuffled back into Dean's open chest. Dean put an arm around Castiel's waist, trying to be respectful of boundaries, but Cas didn't seem to have any, and grabbed his arm to hold him tight.

It took no time for Cas to fall asleep at all, and the same went for Dean.

\---

The sleeping arrangements seemed to change after that. They still hadn't told Sam about Castiel's wings, but only on Cas's request. He needed time to tell someone else, even if that someone else was another best friend of his.

So, the new sleeping arrangements had to be secret too, until Cas was ready. It wasn't weird for Cas to sleep in Dean's bed. Cas can't sleep while his wings were growing. He's not comfortable being alone. It's for comfort reasons. Nothing more. Sam would understand.

And when the time came where Cas couldn't hide the extra appendages growing from his back any longer, it was time to tell Sam, whether Cas was ready or not. Cas wanted to wear binders again, but Dean said that wouldn't help him in telling Sam, who really needed to know; being a roommate and all. 

Dean hadn't seen the wings at all yet. When the wounds finally healed, there was no need for Dean to really look there. He was able to touch Castiel's back without a worry of hurting him, and sometimes his hand would land on something hard and foreign for a Human back.

Though, the first two times Dean did touch his back or shoulders, Cas quickly informed Dean not to touch him there because he wasn't comfortable yet, so Dean kept his hands to himself. 

Dean didn't know whether the wings would be white like the feathers on the bathroom floor were, but he never asked Cas. He doesn't even think Cas knows.

Does Cas know about wing care? Does he know if he has to wash them? What do you even do for wings? Dean vowed to do more than Internet research on this. Castiel was going to get the full run down of wings since he's never really taken care of them.

While Dean researched things, the day came to tell Sam. It was only because big sweaters were no longer fooling Dean. Sam was going to find out, and it would be better if he found out on Castiel's terms.

They sat Sam down, and Cas sat away from him on another piece of furniture of the living room. Cas had a hard time talking. It took him a while to even speak at first. Cas sat up straight, and looked Sam dead on as he told him that he was adopted and was actually an Angel.

Sam didn't move or say anything throughout everything Cas told him. Castiel didn't give all the information he gave Dean; and Dean's heard so much. That was part of the acceptance; talking about everything that's happened to him. Which made telling Sam still difficult, but possible. 

After Cas explained, he stood and began pulling at his shirt. Dean would have told him it wasn't necessary, but something stopped him because maybe it was. Maybe for Cas, for him to accept and come to terms with himself, he needed people, to not only know, but to see.

His wings were very small, and covered in white down feathers. They looked very soft, but Dean knew touching them was still off limits.

After Cas pulled his shirt back down, Sam stood up, "Castiel. You're my best friend, and I love you no matter what or who you are. You never have to worry about that with me." Castiel smiled big with tears in his eyes, and hugged Sam. Dean was so happy for Cas, that he had to get in on the hug too.

\---

Castiel wore his binders for as long as he could. He would only wear them when going out. He worked 6 days a week, and had three classes within the week.

So, Dean made a rule of no binder wearing in the house, which also meant Cas sleeping in his own bed most nights. Dean had read up on the dangers of wearing binders for too long, and he wanted to keep Cas as safe as possible through this process.

He even called twice during the day to remind Cas to do some stretching and coughing to loosen his lungs.

If Dean were completely honest, looking after Cas was exhausting. This was going on for months. The worry was constant, and the job never stopped.

And now that Cas wasn't sleeping in his bed majority of the time now, it caused even more worried. Half the time, he didn't know if Cas hated him or not. 

Dean's not complaining at all. Not in the least. He would do it all over again and more. Even if Cas actually did hate him now, at least Cas was safe. He just now fully understands why people get paid for this kind of care.

It had been months since they had seen Cas's wings last. Dean could see them under Cas's oversized sweaters, but just the shapes of them. Nothing of detail, but Dean never asked to see them, and told Sam not to ask either.

Not until Cas was ready.

And when Cas is ready to do something, he's not extravagant about it. He just does it, and nothing really changes.

One night he came out to the living room, wearing a regular shirt - which was rare these past few months - and his wings were completely visible. They clung to his back, and the feathers grew down to the middle of his back.

The feathers had even changed colors. They were now soft brown with speckles of white. They were beautiful.

Cas sat down on the couch next to Dean, and watched whatever show was on. Sam had already looked away from Cas, and though Dean knew he should do the same, he couldn't help it.

Castiel's wings were so beautiful, and they looked so soft. He caught himself reaching out for them. He quickly adjusted, keeping his hands closer to himself, and looking back to the tv. Cas would probably hate him if he touched them.

Cas came to lay with Dean that night. He took the shirt off in a very different way than normal shirts. Dean then realized Cas took his own steps by buying wing accommodating clothes.

They laid in bed, Cas being shirtless, and faced each other. "Cas, I'm so proud of you." Dean smiled, looking over his shoulder at his wings.

"Can I try something else new?" Castiel asked, and Dean nodded in waiting of whatever that might be.

Castiel nudged himself closer to Dean on the bed. Dean wasn't sure what to expect, but Cas halfway hovering over him wasn't that at all. Especially with him leaning down to kiss Dean.

Dean's chest felt tight, and he's pretty sure he forgot how to breathe.

When Cas pulled up and away, Dean failed to open his eyes. "Dean?"

"Yeah." Dean squeaked, and then cleared his throat. Dean opened his eyes to see Cas's worried face.

"Is that okay? Did I read this wrong?" Cas asked, starting to back away.

Dean reached for him to stay, "You're fine. This is good." Dean smiled, "I didn't think you felt the same."

"I can actually say the same thing." Cas sheepishly smiled, and Dean wonders how long it's been since he's seen Cas smile.

Dean cupped his cheek, "We're best friends. I didn't want to ruin that by getting it wrong."

Castiel slid back down to be even closer to Dean as he kissed him, "Good thing we're both on the same page then."

Dean went to wrap his arms around Cas, but Cas pulled back up, looking very serious, "I love you, Dean Winchester. I'm telling you this now instead of later when we're more comfortable because I don't want to hide anything anymore. I want to be myself, and I feel like being truthful with you can help me with that."

"I've wanted to tell you that for so long, and not just as a friend." Cas spoke honestly, and Dean felt so small under him.

"Good thing we're both on the same page then." Dean said Cas's words right back at him, "I love you too." It was honest, and Dean didn't know he could feel this good.

\---

Castiel went to work and school with his wings proudly showing. He texted Dean through the day of the looks he got, and even called when he felt a panic, but overall, Cas called it a good day.

It wasn't long after that, Cas allowed Dean to touch his wings.

Dean taught Cas how to take care of his wings. They went out for wing care products and even met an Angel named Gabriel at a shop for Cas to talk to about his history.

Dean could see the happiness grow in Castiel, and Dean hoped it would stay that way. Some nights get hard, but Dean is there to try and help Cas through them.

Dean wouldn't trade any of it for the world.


End file.
